Crucial Conversations: Domestic Violence. Is Love Blind? 2 Samuel 13:10-15, John 10:10

We continue our new series as we pause to reflect, from a theological perspective, on National Mental Health Awareness Month. I have named this series Crucial Conversations because I believe it is incumbent for us to create a dialogue among the faithful about the many issues we confront in this new century, which is just a quarter old, yet resonates with stupendous change, momentous challenge, and tremendous complexity.

In week one, we asked, We Are Saved, But Are We Well?, based on 3 John 1:2,9–11, where John the Elder writes,

“Dear friend, I hope that all is well with you and that you are as healthy in body as you are strong in spirit.”

Then, in week two of our conversations, we discussed Ahithophel as a prototype of what is happening in our community with young adolescents in the 21st century and asked, Are We Close to the Edge? based on 2 Samuel 17:23, 2 Timothy 1:7.

These crucial conversations among believers are crucial because the Bible, which governs our belief, is not a static document, but rather a narrative of conversations between God and the humans God has created. Indeed, it is a book of a dynamic, relational interaction between God and humanity — a humanity wrestling with divine truth!

God is having conversations with humanity: Moses about the liberation of his people. Job about the meaning of life. The Psalms about what it means to praise God in the middle of life’s vicissitudes. The prophets spoke about peace and justice.

Jesus in the New Testament is having conversations with his disciples about the kingdom of God and what that means. He’s having conversations with skeptics, with demon-possessed people, with his family, and with officials tethered to Roman imperialism!

The Bible is a book of conversations!

Our “conversations” take place within the context of living while Black in America or LWB.

What is a Crucial Conversation?

Now, you may ask, what is a crucial conversation? The authors of the very book of that subject — Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High — define it thusly: a discussion between two or more people in which they hold 1.) Opposing views about 2.) a high-stakes issue, and where 3.) emotions run strong.

Why Do We Need to Have Crucial Conversations?

Because the time in which we live demands it! The stakes are high. Our very well-being is in question. And because we need, I feel, a theology of wellness, a theology which connects spiritual salvation with a holistic, practical life-improving praxis. Most notably, we need crucial conversations for the recovery of belief, as the metrics point to a steady decline in the loss of such faith, less than a decade after a global pandemic.

Tamar and Her Tragic Story

It is one of the most horrific instances of domestic assault and violence ever recorded, and it was listed — not in the Arizona Republic, New York Times, or local news — it is found in the pages of Holy Writ!

In fact, four other major instances of domestic abuse occur in Scripture, often intertwined with cultural and familial power dynamics.

1. Hagar and Sarah (Genesis 16)

2. Jacob, Leah, and Rachel (Genesis 29–30)

3. Lot and his daughters (Genesis 19:30–38)

4. Hagar’s broader experience

But the story of Tamar is as graphic and horrendous as one can recount.

In “Love Is Blind”, a song by the American rapper Eve, released on December 9, 1999, as the third single from her debut studio album, is about a man who had been abusing Eve’s best friend, Andrea.

‘Ayo, I don’t even know you and I hate youSee all I know is that my girlfriend used to date youHow would you feel if she held you down and raped you?Tried and tried, but she never could escape you

She was in love and I’d ask her how? I mean why?What kind of love from a nigga would black your eye?What kind of love from a nigga every night make you cry?What kind of love from a nigga make you wish he would die?’

Tamar was the beautiful daughter of King David and Maacah, while Amnon was David’s eldest son and Tamar’s half-brother. Their family dynamics were complicated by David’s multiple marriages and the resulting sibling relationships. Amnon developed an obsessive infatuation with Tamar, which was fueled by his inability to possess her due to her status as a virgin and royal princess.

Amnon confided in his cousin Jonadab, who devised a plan for Amnon to feign illness to lure Tamar into his quarters. Amnon pretended to be sick and requested that Tamar come to his home to prepare food for him. Trusting her brother, Tamar complied and went to his house

Once alone, Amnon forcibly assaulted Tamar despite her desperate pleas for him to stop. She cried out, “No, my brother! Don’t do this wicked thing!” but her resistance was futile. After the assault, Amnon’s feelings shifted from lust to hatred, leading him to cast her out, further deepening her trauma and shame. Tamar’s emotional devastation was symbolized by her tearing her garments, a sign of mourning and loss of dignity.

The story of Tamar and Amnon serves as a cautionary tale about the destructive power of unchecked desires and the impact of familial dysfunction. It illustrates how lust can lead to betrayal and violence, affecting not only the individuals involved but also their families and communities. The narrative emphasizes the importance of moral integrity and the consequences of failing to uphold it.

We know that domestic abuse and violence is physical, emotional, sexual, economic, and psychological, and that domestic violence is:

· A pattern

· Focuses on “possession” of the other

· Operates within a context of complicated relationship dynamics

It may not be happening to you, but it is happening to someone you know!

What is Domestic Abuse?

Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive or controlling behavior used by one person to dominate or instill fear in another within an intimate or family relationship.

Consider the following facts from Black Health Matters:

· Black women experience alarmingly high rates of domestic violence, 4 in every 10, with approximately 45% having experienced stalking, physical, or sexual violence in their lifetimes, and nearly six times more likely to be killed than white women (Black Health Matters, The Hill, 2024). Far too many of our sisters have paid the ultimate price at the hands of their abuser.

· Black men also face significant risk, with 40% reporting physical violence, sexual violence, or stalking from an intimate partner.

· Black teens experience domestic violence at twice the rate of their white peers, with nearly one in four adolescent girls globally reporting physical or sexual violence from an intimate partner.

What are the drivers?

According to research, the main drivers for domestic violence and abuse are:

1. Systemic Inequality: Longstanding racial disparities in access to healthcare, education, and economic opportunities increase vulnerability and limit options for escaping abusive relationships

2. Economic Barriers: Financial constraints and restricted access to intergenerational wealth can trap survivors in abusive situations.

3. Mistrust of Law Enforcement: Historical and ongoing experiences of discrimination, over-policing, and police brutality discourage reporting and seeking help.

4. Cultural and Faith-Based Influences: Strong religious ties can provide support but may also create barriers if beliefs encourage endurance of abuse or discourage divorce.

The above factors work systemically to create boiling point living while black conditions in which partners act out in hyperaggressive manners to relieve frustrations, actions which are mitigated by a lack of self-restraint and the fundamental disregard for the well-being of the other.

According to Scripture, the abuser brings disgrace to both the abuser and himself!

“Where could I get rid of my disgrace? And what about you? You would be like one of the wicked fools in Israel”, Tamar says to Amnon (v.13).

The Matthew Henry Commentary says,

“… it is a vivid example of how corruption, deception, and parental neglect can combine to produce a grievous sin, with lasting spiritual consequences for the family and the kingdom.”

What, then, is the message of the gospel? Can we discover the redemptive hermeneutical principle in Tamar’s tragic story?

Jesus Christ came to bring life and to lift us from the tyranny of the degradation, interposition, and nullification of the abuser.

“I have come to bring you life and life more abundantly.” (John 10:10)

Therefore, domestic abuse is antithetical to the abundant life which Christ offers us.

I cite Rev. Tracy Lauersen of Anglicare Sydney, who writes:

“There are patterns of behavior that often accompany and contribute to domestic abuse. We see these condemned in the Bible and guilt is assigned to the abuser:

1. Using power to oppress others is condemned (Ecclesiastes 4:1) “Again I looked and saw all the oppression that was taking place under the sun: and they have no comforter”.

2. Hitting another is condemned in (Proverbs 6: 16–19) “These six things doth the LORD hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him: A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, An heart that devises wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, A false witness that speaks lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren.”

3. Causing trouble in the household and bringing ruin to a family is condemned (Proverbs 11:29) “He who brings trouble on his house will inherit the wind, and the fool will be servant to the wise of heart.”

In Closing

Tamar's question to Amnon has haunted me since I began researching for this sermonic presentation:

“Where could I get rid of my disgrace? (NIV)

Where could I ever show my face? (The Message)

How can I ever hold my head up in public again? (TEV)

This is mitigated by the actions of Amnon after his raping Tamar:

“Then he called his servant who attended him, and said, “Here! Put this woman out, away from me, and bolt the door behind her.” (v.18)

So, today I ask: Where is Tamar’s refuge? Where may the Tamars of our modern experience go and find healing and grace? Because, ladies and gentlemen, Tamar is with us; she is in our families, our communities, even our churches. She sits in our pews suffering in silence.

May Tamar speak with other Tamars? May Tamar not be made to revisit her hurt and anguish, but rather be led to a wellspring of healing and hope? Will the unchurched Tamars find refuge in God’s house?

Can we wrap our arms around Tamar and help her experience the abundant life which Christ offers? Can we begin a conversation as to why the Tah-mars are happening in the first place? Can we, the protectors and providers of our community, begin to talk about our insecurities, our inadequacies, and our lack of positive conflict resolution skills gather and heal in Jesus’s name?

“I have come to bring you life and life more abundantly.” (John 10:10)

Pastor C. can be reached at: info@pastorwericcroomes.com

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse or violence, help is available by calling 1–800–799-SAFE (7233)